Diaries of an Awesome Prussian
by MrsBeilschmidt3
Summary: Little!Prussia keeps a diary documenting his daily misadventures.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Diary,

I am apparently in trouble again. Vati is making me write a list of things I am not allowed to do so I will remember.

I will not steal little garden gnomes from the neighbors' front porch, no matter how cute they are.

I will not lock West in the closet to make him stop crying.

I will not bite West's head.

I will not throw rocks at the playground.

I will not throw West.

I will not play with any of Vati's weapons.

I will not shave the cat.

I will not ride Vati's best hunting horse up the stairs.

I will not call people bad words.

I will not color on the walls, because it takes a lot of work to erase coloring from the walls, evidently.

I will not put Roderich up in a tree and leave him there.

I will not feed West beer

I will not throw potatoes at West's head.

I will not have any fun, apparently.

Well, that is my list. I hope Vati is happy.

Dear Diary,

I will not make fires in the house.

Dear Diary,

Today is very boring. I wanted to play knights but West didn't want to be the bad guy who got killed, so I couldn't have any fun. Then I had to go to the market with Vati, and I had to hold West's hand. His hand was all sticky and disgusting, so I let it go but then he got lost. And get this, Diary- I got in trouble and he didn't! Where is the justice, I ask you? I wasn't the one who got myself lost! Now I am in my room to ponder my crimes. What crimes? Also, West is a crybaby.

Supper will be soon. I am getting sick of potatoes. And there is only so much one can do when one isn't allowed to color on the walls. It seems wrong that The Awesome Me is a prisoner in my own room. I want to go pick on Roderich or hang out with Antonio and Francis. But alas, I am here until supper. And all I'll get out of _that_ is more stupid potatoes.

Dear Diary,

It's snowing! West and I made a snowman and used Vati's pipe for him. We named it Sherlock. Only then Vati wanted his pipe back, so now I need another pipe, or else a cigar or something. I'm not allowed to smoke, though, so I don't even have one! I'll just have to steal the pipe again.

Also, I threw a snowball at Arthur Kirkland's annoying baby brother Peter, and now I'm in trouble with Vati again, and Arthur, because apparently hitting babies with snowballs is frowned upon universally. And I didn't even get to go sledding yet! I asked Vati if we could get some reindeer, but he said no.

Dear Diary,

I want my own bobsled. Today I just had to use my wagon, but it was still fun because I borrowed the neighbors' sled dogs and attached them to it and they pulled me and West around the neighborhood! It was really fun until Vati found out.

P.S. Vati says it's only borrowing if the people know you took the thing you borrowed.

Dear Diary,

I will not shove snow down the back of Arthur's shirt, no matter how angry I get that he won't let me take his garden gnomes.

Dear Diary,

Thou shalt not steal. Thou shalt not covet another man's garden gnomes.

Dear Diary,

The Awesome Me has found a new desire. This Christmas I want world domination. 3:)

Dear Diary,

Today we went to get a tree! I wanted to carry the saw, but I'm not old enough. We went to a tree farm and West and I played hide and seek, but then West got stuck in a Christmas tree and Vati had to get him down. We did not purchase that tree.

Finally we decided on a tree. Vati cut it down and West and I yelled "Timber!" as it fell. Now we have a tree right in our very own house! We got to decorate it, and I only broke a few ornaments! Also, I am not allowed to play with the Christmas lights.

Vati picked me up and I got to put on the star. Then West and I each made a wish. West wished for a giant bag of candy that never ran out. I wished for world domination. And garden gnomes.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary,

Forget the garden gnomes. Forget reindeer. Forget world domination, even! THE AWESOME ME KNOWS WHAT THE AWESOME ME WANTS NOW! I was walking by the pet shop today and I saw a TEENSY WEENSY BABY CANARY! Vati let West and I look in the shop and West wanted a puppy but all I care about, even more than the awesome ferrets, which I've always kind of wanted, is THE CANARY! I would take such good care of it and feed it from my plate and name it Gilbird.

I don't think Vati wants me to have a canary. But imagine, I could buy him and he would sing and the house would no longer be too quiet! I hate quietness. I wish I had a bullhorn too, that way I could sing into it to entertain the public domain. Vati asked what if the public domain doesn't want to be entertained? But of course, Diary, you and I both know how silly that is. I mean, who wouldn't want to be entertained by the awesome me? Well, maybe Arthur Kirkland, but then again, if I sang enough, he might surrender his garden gnomes.

Dear Diary,

I have to write another list, apparently. Well, here goes.

I will not shut up Peter Kirkland by putting a potato in his mouth.

I will not waste potatoes by putting them in Peter Kirkland's mouth.

I will remember that Peter Kirkland is a toothless baby who cannot eat potatoes.

I will not let West smoke Vati's pipe.

I will not smoke Vati's pipe.

I will not borrow the little canary from the pet store to take him for a test fly.

If I do borrow the little canary, I have to give him back.

I wonder why I get in trouble so much. Some people are just wimps. Like Roderich. He could've gotten _off_ of the roof. Instead, I get in trouble for putting him on there, but if he hadn't cried so much after I hit him in the glasses with a very hard snowball, I wouldn't have been forced to put him there, now would i?

Dear Diary,

Kill me now. Arthur Kirkland is coming over. And he's bringing stupid baby Peter! Maybe I'll put Peter in the crib with West and shut them _both_ up with potatoes. Also, West is annoying. He keeps following me around and calls me Gee-oo. Vati says he means Gil. West likes to hug my leg and not let go when I try to walk. And then I get in trouble for hitting him over the head with a newspaper! But Vati told me a newspaper is how you kill bugs and West is bugging me immensely!

Dear Diary,

Vati is letting me have Francis and Toni over! Yay! Now we can learn all about how to woo women from Francis. He already knows how babies are made, I think, and he hasn't even had The Talk yet. I think the stork theory is stupid. Obviously, women plant a baby tree and when the baby seeds grow on it she eats one and it grows in her stomach until it is a baby. Francis will be so impressed when he hears all The Awesome Me knows about The Facts of Life.

Dear Diary,

Arthur, Peter, Francis, and Antonio are all over. And guess what? It's gonna snow so much that we're all stuck in this house until Christmas is over! I have my best friends over _and_ there's now four whole people to torture- Arthur, Peter, West, and Vati! I heard the news and me and Toni and Francis ran up and down the stairs singing a "Snowed In" song. And Francis has a bullhorn, so we can entertain the public domain!

I have a feeling that Arthur will be handing over the garden gnomes soon. Just imagine how wonderfully loud that we can be with a canary!


	3. Chapter 3

(A/N: Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated the past couple days, I've had an EXTREMELY busy week. However, now I have plenty of down time to continue my stories! Yay!)

Dear Diary,

It is the most awesome date of Christmas Eve. We are singing carols. Roderich couldn't come over because everyone's snowed in (danke Gott!), so we're all having a marvelous time. West is learning carols. Kind of. He says "ceiling knot" instead of Stille Nacht, but I guess that's close enough for a baby. Also, I tried putting Peter Kirkland in West's crib with him. Except West is very possessive of the stupid thing, apparently, because he kept defending it by starting a pillow fight, but Peter's too little to fight with pillows and then Arthur came and got him and I got in trouble AGAIN. But now we're almost ready for CHRISTMAS! I bet I'll find the pickle ornament, since I'm so awesome. I wonder if I'll get anything I wished for.

P.S. I tried to make snowflakes to hang up but they didn't come out so well. But I wanted to put them up anyway. Sadly, I learned that I am unintentionally dangerous with a hammer, and now Vati has to fix the wall, but if you put a wreath or something on that spot than no one will ever see the hole.

Dear Diary,

This is the most awesomest Christmas EVER! You'll never believe it! I GOT THE TINY CANARY! Gilbird is all mine now, mine like the whole awesome world will be once I achieve my goal of global domination. He likes sitting on my head, which is really cute. He pecked West's finger. I love him already.

I got a bunch of other awesome stuff too, plus thermal underwear, which will be a hat for West. But I'll never believe this one gift- I thought I'd found it all, when Arthur presented me with a kind of big package. Take a wild guess of what was inside, Diary-

GARDEN GNOMES!

I can decorate my whole porch and room now with my awesome little minions! I am the happiest Prussian on the planet. I think I misjudged Arthur. I was so happy I was even awesome enough to let West find the pickle ornament.

Dear Diary,

The snow melted. D: Wah! Now Antonio and Francis and Arthur will go home. Oh well, on the bright side, at least Arthur will take Peter with him. Although I am kind of getting to like the kid. His first word was domination.

West is running around with my thermal underwear on his head. At least somebody is taking some joy out of those things.

Well, Diary, I suppose I better go. Gilbird needs some outside air and I have to pelt Roderich with a snowball. Bye for now, oh awesome book of mine!


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Diary,

I am not allowed to stay up until New Year's Eve. WHAT KIND OF INJUSTICE IS THIS, I ASK YOU? I am eight years old! The Awesome Me is totally old enough. Gilbird agrees. Toni is getting to stay up this year. This will be Francis' _third_ year to stay up! _Mein gott,_ Vati is treating me like a stupid baby! I told him that I bet Arthur Kirkland will let Peter stay up when he's eight. Vati says he bets _Arthur_ doesn't stay up.

Oh well, at least I have my garden gnomes. I put them all in my room, except on is on my treehouse balcony. After all, I can't risk them being stolen. Although what kind of jerk would steal garden gnomes?

Dear Diary,

It is New Year's Eve! I am going to stay up, and when it turns midnight I will burst into the living room and prove Vati wrong! Hah! He should know his son is too awesome to even have a bedtime! Oh well, he will learn.

I have some fireworks that I got from Alfred Jones, Arthur's awesome adopted little brother. Antonio and Francis and I will send each other sky messages. It will be so awesome, I can hardly wait! I'll stay up all

Dear Diary,

Night. :/ So yes, perhaps even The Awesome Me falls asleep too early sometimes. But mark my words, next year shall be different! Next year, I shall be nine, I tell you, NINE! And nine is almost ten, which is practically a teenager, so I'll basically be an adult next year! And then no one can foil my plots for world domination.

Dear Diary,

West has a cold. It's really annoying because he keeps sneezing and coughing and won't shut up. Vati says it's not West's fault, but I'm getting really sick of it. All I did was try and put duct tape over his nose so he couldn't sneeze anymore and I got this big Gilbert Beilschmidt How Dare You Duct Tape Your Sick Little Brother's Face and By the Way Just Where _Is_ He Oh Mein Gott You Put Him in the Closet _Again_ You Ought to Be Ashamed of Yourself Young Man No Gummi Bears for a Week, and No Seeing Toni and Francis for a Week Either.

Now I have to write another list.

More Things I Am Not Allowed to Do, by Gilbert Beilschmidt

I will not put West in my treehouse and leave him there so I can't hear him.

I will understand that West cannot control his sneezing and coughing.

I will not feed West garlic soup, even if I think that would make him feel better.

I will not lock the door on West.

I will not spank West.

I will get spanked if I spank West.

I will not sing with Gilbird to the public domain because the public domain does not enjoy fine music, apparently.

I will not drink beer until I am twelve, or sixteen. I will also not let Gilbird smoke Vati's pipe.

I will not bring my snowman into my room to preserve him.

I will not shoot Roman Candles in the bathroom.

Mein Gott, how can a man have any fun in this stupid house? Oh well, I'll just play with my garden gnomes and Gilbird. At least _they_ understand me.

Dear Diary,

There's no more snow! D: What am I supposed to do now? Now it's just miserably cold, but without any snow to make up for it! And I have to go back to school. West is better now, but he still doesn't have to go to school anyway because he's a baby.

Although I am beginning to enjoy West a little more, I think. He's saying more words, like "Gilbird" and "awesome" and "domination" and "garden gnomes". Plus I'm trying to teach him how to say "Scheisse" but I have to do it in secret or else I'll- say it with me, kids- get in trouble.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Diary,

Today at school we planted bean sprouts. Why do we have to plant beans? I don't even like beans. Ivan Braginski wanted to plant sunflowers, but Toni and Francis and I _reeeally_ didn't want that, so we tried to explain nicely how lame sunflowers would be but now we're all in trouble for making him cry. Ivan gets on my nerves.

I asked if we could plant baby trees, but the teacher said no. Sigh. So now we have to plant our stupid beans. Also, Gilbird is not allowed in school, apparently. Luckily for me, since when have I obeyed the rules? Kesesese!

Anyway, once we shoved a baby bean in some dirt and drowned it, it was time for recess. During recess, Antonio and I get wooing lessons from Francis. He says we could get a girl if we save her, so he had me push a girl down so I could pick up her books for her when they fell. Only then she just got mad at me.

Dear Diary,

West is learning more words. He knows "Gilbird" and "kesesese" and "West" now. He still calls me Gee-oo. I finally found out how to have fun with him. Spain gave me the idea. He said instead of being mean to Lovino, he tries to mold him instead. I could mold West! He could be just like me, only less awesome, of course. My own little sidekick. I _knew_ there was a reason God dropped him down here!

(I abandoned my baby tree theory. Now I think God drops babies through invisible holes in their mommy's heads. That's why Mutti says a woman loses a bit of her mind each time she has another kid.)

So I'm teaching West the art of being awesome. I let him play with my garden gnomes sometimes, although he always has to put them back because they guard me from monsters at night. But then- who will guard West? Then it hit me. _I_ will guard him! I moved his crib into my room- well, okay, I might have had some help from Toni and Francis and Gilbird, but it was really my awesome strength that got it going. I wonder what on earth my friends would do without me.

Now West is sound asleep in my room. He doesn't cry at night anymore, and I think it is because he knows he's with The Awesome Me now. Don't worry, kid, stay awesome and stick with me and you'll be fine. Heck, I might even give him the nation of Germany whenever I conquer the world.

Dear Diary,

My bean plant has yet to sprout. Everyone else's is sprouting, and I put _wayyy_ more water than they did! Plus I didn't give it too much sun like the other kids, cause who would want to sprout into the terrible heat? (I know it's February, but I'm albino and I get hot real easy.)

Ivan's is growing like magic. He talks to it and sings to it and treats it like a baby. But I'm not all weird like him, I mean it's just a stupid plant.

Oh well, at least I have Gilbird, so I guess there's _someone_ sane amongst us.


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Diary,

Wow! Kesesese… it's been for _ever_ since I looked in this thing last. But today West and I were cleaning out the attic (which is where I live now) and under my box of garden gnomes (West doesn't want them on his porch D:) I found YOU! To refresh your memory, you are my awesome diary and I am the awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt, yada yada yada…

Anyways, West turned out pretty good- not as awesome as Yours Truly, but hey, that would be expecting too much of the poor kid. Gilbird is still alive, I swear he must be immortal or something, since he's awesome like me.

I live in my old house with West (I never bothered to mention that his name was Ludwig), Feliciano Vargas, an Italian foreign exchange student, my awesome wife Lizzie, Gilbird, and West's three dogs. I'm twenty-five now, so I still have four good birthdays before I turn thirty and I plan to use those years wisely- partying, staying up late, and acting like I'm seventeen!

Anyway, I gotta go for now, oh awesome Diary of mine- time to put my garden gnomes on West's porch! Kesesese!

THE END


End file.
